The Point of No Return

I remember when the doctor told me I couldn't dance for a month and this was just a few weeks prior to ECDC. I started crying in his office and he kept trying to reassure me that there will be other competitions. But this just wasn't another competition. This felt like the competition. But every dance event felt like that to me.

When ECDC finally rolled around, I got a chance to sit in the audience for once. And after FR3SH Juniors performed, I almost cried again. Haha, key word being almost. I never felt more proud to be a part of that team, that family. People always told us how far we've come from season one, but I don't think I realized it until that point. Yo, like seriously. I loved being a part of this family.

And I think that is where I hit my climax.

I used to sacrifice a lot of things for dance. Countless fights with my parents, school was pushed to the back of my head, missed birthdays and parties, money wasted on clothes I will probably never wear again, etc. Every dancer has been through that struggle -- the fight to just dance. To just fuck everything in your life in just do the one thing that will never fail you, never hurt you, and never leave you.

But that has changed for me. I have lost "it".
Whatever motivated me through these past three years. Whatever kept pushing me to work harder. Whatever kept making me go back.

Dancing used to be second nature to me. Whenever I would simply just walk in the hallway, I'd be doing choreo or something in my head. But I can't even remember anything anymore. It doesn't stick like it used to. The songs don't even play in my head.

I miss how it used to be. But things change and I hate it. But you gotta get wit it or get lost. I think I'm far beyond the point of being lost.

Someone once told me:
"I guess something that you love to do, you gotta ease up off it and give it a little space, come back and be fresh to it." - Mos Def

But I can't even bring myself to even do that.