The Point of No Return

I remember when the doctor told me I couldn't dance for a month and this was just a few weeks prior to ECDC. I started crying in his office and he kept trying to reassure me that there will be other competitions. But this just wasn't another competition. This felt like the competition. But every dance event felt like that to me.

When ECDC finally rolled around, I got a chance to sit in the audience for once. And after FR3SH Juniors performed, I almost cried again. Haha, key word being almost. I never felt more proud to be a part of that team, that family. People always told us how far we've come from season one, but I don't think I realized it until that point. Yo, like seriously. I loved being a part of this family.

And I think that is where I hit my climax.

I used to sacrifice a lot of things for dance. Countless fights with my parents, school was pushed to the back of my head, missed birthdays and parties, money wasted on clothes I will probably never wear again, etc. Every dancer has been through that struggle -- the fight to just dance. To just fuck everything in your life in just do the one thing that will never fail you, never hurt you, and never leave you.

But that has changed for me. I have lost "it".
Whatever motivated me through these past three years. Whatever kept pushing me to work harder. Whatever kept making me go back.

Dancing used to be second nature to me. Whenever I would simply just walk in the hallway, I'd be doing choreo or something in my head. But I can't even remember anything anymore. It doesn't stick like it used to. The songs don't even play in my head.

I miss how it used to be. But things change and I hate it. But you gotta get wit it or get lost. I think I'm far beyond the point of being lost.

Someone once told me:
"I guess something that you love to do, you gotta ease up off it and give it a little space, come back and be fresh to it." - Mos Def

But I can't even bring myself to even do that.

colbie caillat - brand new me

I'm being patient.




On a brighter note,
Since I met you baby I got a brand new style, just because of you <3

keri hilson feat. ne-yo & kanye west - knock you down

"Say you gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad. So will you bring a better future than I had in the past? Oh cause I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did. I don't wanna fall back on my face again. I'll admit it, I was scared to answer love's call. And if it hits better make it worth the fall..."

adele - make you feel my love

John Legend - Everybody Knows

People fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises.

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You are an emotional and sensitive person. You are inclined to delight and wallow in all things that give pleasure to your senses but nevertheless your tastes are refined and you reject anything that is indecent or vulgar.

You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

1 Corinthians 10: 12 - 13

The trials that you have had to bear are no more than people normally have. You can trust God to not to let you be tried beyond your strength and with any trial He will give you a way out of it and the strength to bear it.